i went to the temple this past thursday. not because something was wrong, but because everything felt right. and that scared me more than any problem ever has. i stood there praying for things to stay exactly as they are, and i realized how strange that is. to be asking god not take away something that nobody's even threatened to take.
why does it feel like i'm always waiting for things to go wrong? and i don't just mean in one area of my life, i mean all of it. even when things are genuinely good right now, there's this huge part of me that just doesn't trust it. i keep looking for signs, for cracks, for something that'll confirm what i already expect: that this high won't last.
i don't know where it comes from. maybe it's past experiences. maybe it's just years of getting used to things never quite working out the way i hoped they would. but ever since i started work, things have been so good. calm. easy in a way that i'm genuinely not used to.
and instead of just being in it, part of me keeps bracing for the moment it all changes. like i'm preparing myself for something that hasn't even happened yet. rehearsing the loss before anything is actually lost. praying against a low that might not ever come.
i don't think that's fair to me. and i don't think it's fair to the moment i'm in right now. because if i keep doing that, if i keep white-knuckling through the good parts, i'm going to miss the part where things are actually okay. actually steady. actually mine.
and maybe that's still something i'm learning. how to sit in something good without questioning it. how to let things be steady without needing to disrupt them just to feel in control. not everything is waiting to fall apart. maybe some things are just meant to be good. and maybe i'm allowed to feel that, without being afraid of losing it.
what this is about
- the habit of bracing for the worst even when life is at its best.
- learning to be present instead of rehearsing future loss.
- giving yourself permission to trust that good things can stay.
questions i'm sitting with
why is it so hard to trust the calm?
because past versions of me learned that calm was just the quiet before something broke. unlearning that takes time.
what does it look like to actually be present?
it looks like not planning your reaction to something that hasn't happened. it looks like letting a good day just be a good day.